Narrative.

Probably one of the worst vexes about man kind is that we have minds.

Being 'present' alleviates us of this - the buzzing around of useless, often distracting, or, worse yet, destructive, thoughts that swirl around in our heads. I will call this activity - or, the part of of the brain that can't escape these cycles, 'the mind'. ...And so the mind is bad. A judgement call, I know, but hear me out.

Phenomenon: Hating someone, but only when you're not around them. Why? Narrative. Where does narrative spawn and feed? The mind.

I have experienced the phenomenon first hand: hating someone immensely while sequestered, but while around them, finding that, without altercation from my interfering/storytelling mind, that I didn't have a reason to hate the person at all. I might actually come to this realization in real-time, but as soon as the person went away, again my mind was free to swirl and create false narratives about this person and their interactions with me and what my mind thinks must be their motivations - and I again hate them, completely forgetting my lack of real-world reasons to do so.

The most positive and mind-altering realization I had maybe a couple of years ago: it was all in my fucking head.

Blogging

So I admit it: this blogging thing isn't going to happen every day.

It was a nice goal - a lofty one for sure, but unrealistic. Some days I just don't feel like blogging - and others, I have less to say than I feel warrants a blog. If I miss a day - should I really have to go back and re-hash it on a later day? I think not.

I'm still going to blog regularly - multiple times per week - but the guarenteed ever-day thing is getting dropped.

Consumerism

Starting 3 months ago, I committed the ultimate consumer sin: credit card debt.

Yesterday I got my 2010 tax return back. A considerable amount - a little more than enough to pay off the credit card debt - Yeay! So what do I do to celebrate? Go out and engage in consumerism. A new printer? $45? Thank-you-Walmart.

Louis C.K.

Thanks to Netflix, I've discovered comedian Louis C.K.

In a word: funny.

Not your typical funny either - he seemingly doesn't even need to try. A lot of comedians, even professional ones, feel like they're putting on a 'shtick' when they get up on stage- a false personality - their 'funny' personality - that isn't really them, but makes them feel more safe on stage because acting 'normal' would leave them too exposed. The result is that, while most comedians can be very funny, many come off as less than congruent.

Louis C.K. isn't that. He's just a guy who's naturally funny. He's frank, and comes off likely exactly how he does every other not-on-stage moment of his life. In fact, his 'jokes' are merely reflections of his life, and it's some of the funniest material I've seen from a comedian ever. Check out the clip below.

Netflix - Day 1

Today I signed up for my free one-month trial of Netflix.

I made one mistake, though: I started off by checking out those 'bad' movies I would otherwise never bother to check out. 'Titanic 2' was one of them. This was a mistake, as Netflix uses movies you've already watched to suggest more for you to watch, and I don't exactly want to spend my first month watching shitty movies.

But Netflix is great in principle - and it's a great deal: $8/month. The real drawback is its lack of content. It has lots of b-rated, older, and bargain-bin movies, and lots of the less-watched and TV shows. That's why my first month will likely be my last, but right now I'm watching Louis C.K., and I look forward to watching more of the stand-up comedy I've found.

Revelations

Had a revelation today. One of of those moments - usually in the form of several-hour-spans - that allows one to momentously see something from a new angle; to gain new insight about life; to dilate one's view to see things from a more objective, all-encompassing, "big picture" perspective. I've been having more of these in the last couple of years, which is a good sign. They're an indicator of growth, maturing, and that I'm slowly bettering myself as a person.

Big Boned

Today was not only my first day back to work, it was my first time to a chiropractor as an adult.

My chiropractor is hilarious; she talks about a mile a minute. But more to the point: My long-held suspicions have been confirmed. I am actually big-boned.

And going to the chiropractor was actually effective for the first time. I used to go with my mom when I was young - but for what reason I don't know. I was a kid, and wasn't particularly in any discomfort. This time around, I was, and wow, can't recommend it enough. Ten minutes and my right shoulder feels several-fold better. Going twice more in the next week and a half.

Last Day

It's my last day of freedom. I go back to work tomorrow. Sure, it's work-from-home, but the honeymoon sleep-in-til-noon phase is over. Back to the real world tomorrow.

Gratefulness

Had this at the back of my mind for the few days: Gratefulness. It's an emotion or sentiment most of us don't practice or access in ourselves enough. We have a lot to be really grateful for, but, for some reason many of us (myself very much included), tend to focus on the have-not. ugh.

Something I hardly think about anymore [see?!] is the fact that we used to have smoking in indoor public places, like restaurants and malls. It's been a long while since there hasn't been, so it's easy to take it for granted.. just like we take for granted a lot of things in life we could find ourselves grateful for that might help us find a better state of mind when we find ourselves filled with negativity.

I found a this good quote just a minute ago:

"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

How true.

Cheering on your home team

The Canucks are on their way to the Stanley Cup finals. Hooray!

But I find it funny when I and my friends exclaim: "WE WON!"

.... sure, fans play a role in supporting a team, which psychologically helps the team players, not to mention the financial viability of the team (players pay for merchandise, game tickets, etc which allows the team to prosper in whatever city they're in), but really, WE didn't win, the players and coaching staff won. It comes off as quite egoic to take ownership of success when the achievement does not belong to us, doesn't it? I mean, it's win-win for players, team management, and fans when a team does well (not to mention a big win for pubs and other businesses that benefit from good team performance and an extended season), but let's not go overboard. Attaching oneself to a high-status team or individual is a way the ego strengthens itself. But to be a mature person, shouldn't one, if they label themselves as a 'fan' of a team, stay loyal to that team even when they lose or do poorly? Moreover, idolization (being a 'fan'), is, in my opinion, one of the greatest plagues of the last 15 years in popular culture. [see: twitter, american idol, etc]

Car

I've been a bad car-owner. Sure, I give my baby insurance, gas, and occasionally new windshield wipers - but maintenance I neglect. Turns out I owe my car well over $1000 in repairs and upkeep. New muffler, tires, wheels - oh yeah, and a new front passenger-side axle (at some point, likely during my accident, mine got busted and I've been driving on it ever since). That, plus a major tune-up, new rear brakes, and even more.

I actually feel pretty good about it, though. I feel like I owe it to my car; she's been good to me, and has yet to let me down. Yesterday had a new muffler installed, Saturday brings new tires and wheels.

College-Crack Basketball Slaves

Interesting new episode of South Park tonight.

Eric Cartman starts a lucrative 'Crack-Baby Basketball' League. He literally is making profit from the spectacle of tiny, ill infants fighting over (and pushing around) a ball of crack. The 'sport' is an instant internet sensation, and Cartman hires Kyle (a jew) to be his chief financial officer, and even gets a deal with EA sports for the video game rights.

Of course this is abhorred - and typical of Cartman. But then Cartman (or, the creators of South Park) make an interesting comparison: College athletes. The largest problem with Cartman's crack-baby basketball is he created the rule early on that the 'players' (babies) could not be paid. Of course, with the millions he was making off of them, should he not compensate the babies? Of course he should - but then again, shouldn't Colleges pay their athletes, especially when, in the US, sports teams are a driving force of income, and draw for enrollment, for the school?

It's an interesting point - students spend time and risk injury playing sports for an institution that heavily profits from them - and colleges and universities owe them nothing. Of course, many of the best athletes get full-rides based on their athletic achievement - but receiving this sort of compensation is not guaranteed. Cartman related this kind of work to Slavary; Hilarious.

Poop on the Path Less Traveled.

Walked around the mountain with Jordan on this beautiful day. Good workout - maybe only to show how out of shape I am. No problem walking around it, of course, but my muscles get stiff and cramp easily these days.

Something worth doing is taking the path less traveled if you're ever in the forest. Of course, if you're in a forest where you're sure you can't really get lost. J & I ended up taking a path that led to where neither of us are sure quite where, and then out on to a street we didn't (and don't) know the name of.

On the way, though, we found this:


We didn't bother looking inside.

Summer & Used Shows

The summer is quickly approaching and all my regular TV shows ended either last week or during this upcoming week. What ever will I do?

A few years ago, during work training in the big city, while staying at a hotel, a (former) coworker I didn't like much introduced me to the TV show LOST, and I was hooked. I spend the rest of the summer addicted to it - I 'acquired' the rest of the first season from him, and rented the remaining seasons en-mass. I watched over 3 seasons in a single summer. It was great diversion.

Since I'm moving to the big city in about a month, and will be away from my normal group of friends, and therefore may live somewhat of a more hermit lifestyle, I'm wondering if it might be worth it to invest in a back-dated ("used") TV show: start from the beginning (thanks, Interweb), and watch every episode.

The problem: what show? I'm a picky about my TV (and have cut down a lot in my TV-viewing in the past year), and nothing I've seen via my semi-TV-addicted parents has struck me as worth getting into. Then again, I'm willing to be pleasantly surprised.

Big City Food Poisoning

Woke up at 4:30am, and again at about 6:30am, with food poisoning symptoms. No fun.

The summer is ever-encroaching, and despite the weather turning cool and grey again today after several days in a row of blue sky and sun, it's coming time for me to find a place in the big city, where I'll be living for the entirety of July and August, plus the last week or so of June.

I've never lived in the big city, any big city, and I'm trepidatious - both excited and nervous - about it. I've never liked the look and feel of larger cities. They're too sprawling, and not as nice as my home town (in all the little ways details matter), and they have a lesser sense of community. I went to University in an even smaller city, and enjoyed that quite a bit, but the big city is also exciting: it seems like a place of infinite possibilities - so much to do and explore, plus I know a few people there already.

Why is it that, leading up to vacation, one can only find themselves desperately longing for it and imagining how wonderful it will be to be free of the agonizing, constant though-stream that causes so much stress in normal life, but when they finally are on vacation, they find themselves constantly looking past it.

Still working on being present.

The Canucks Lost. ... That's never good.

Having a hard time keeping to my eating regiment. Hockey + Friends + Lack of Will Power isn't conducive to that. Gained back 3 pounds, boo-urns.

Summer - nay, good spring weather has finally arrived; at least for the last few days. I washed my car, and have been wearing shorts. Life is good. The difference, really, between good Spring weather and Summer weather is this: in Spring, when walking outdoors, you get a chill when in shade, and you search for a sunny spot or path to walk. In Summer, the sun is hot, and you look for occasional shady patch to cool you off.

Time Off.

I'm way behind on my blogging. Apparently having all the free time in the world hasn't allowed me motivation to fill in the 5 or 6 missing days in here.

Isn't that a funny thing: "time off". I have so many aspirations, and often find myself saying, or, more often thinking: "if only I had more time!".. which is usually followed by a lengthy list of often noble, lofty goals of self-improving or generally 'contributing' activities. I've had an animation project in the works, and more recently on the to-do shelf, for several months now, and it's my goal to start working on it heavily Saturday. I don't have an excuse for not getting going on it earlier this week - my week hasn't consisted of much more than sleeping, eating, watching hockey, and playing donkey kong and mario kart, but somehow I haven't found the time to squeeze in a few hours of animating.

.. Of course, I'm saying this in jest. It's good to laugh at yourself once in a while to keep yourself in check, else you run the risk of taking yourself too seriously [see: Donald Trump]. Earlier this week I actually downloaded a program to start learning how to speak Japanese. Talk about lofty. I think I just did it because it's been one of those things I've always thought of: "IF ONLY I didn't waste so much time, I could have learned to speak another language fluently by now, or I could have learned to play the guitar, or, or, or... " and the list goes on. And I [finally] did my 2009 taxes and mailed them today. 2010 taxes next - tomorrow looks to be an exciting day!

Aren't we humans hilarious? Talk about the benefits of having a life of relative leisure, where we can let our mind drift over the plethora of self-improving and/or productive possibilities for our leisure time, only for many/most of us - or maybe just me - to sit around like a useless house cat when we/I get time off.

The "You're an Idiot" look

If there's something I've learned about myself in the last year, it's that I do better with Gr.9's and 10's than I do with Gr.3's. Especially Grade 3's at a certain local elementary school.

Today was the last day of my 5-week teaching practicum. It's over. I can't believe it. It was awesome, and unbelievably tiring. The good news: I'm in the right profession.

The last week or so of my practicum is when everything really came together. Over the last few weeks I'd lost almost all nervousness, and I could both successfully teach and control my Gr.9 class, a group that my teacher had described at the outset of my practicum as 'the wildest group she'd had in her room in years'. I had a little running joke during the last couple of weeks: I have a "you're an idiot" look - and it works like a charm. Some kids get it, and are well suited to it, more than others. It makes me chuckle every time I use it. Hey, anything that keeps you sane!

It's nice that Fridays are short days in high schools. It was equally nice that it was one of the first sunny/shorts days of the year. My last day was rather easy: gave both my classes quizzes, and did no more than five or seven minutes of real teaching in either block. The only real work was leaving my mentor teacher all the information she needed to re-take-over her classes on Monday, plus marks for the plethora of assignments I marked over the last few days. After school I rushed home, switched into shorts, grabbed some shades, and took off in search fora liquor store and anywhere they sell wings. These next two weeks are both well deserved and going to be sweet.

Is it a bad omen that last day of practicum is Friday the 13th?

Cooling Off.

Yesterday (and today), I got pretty heated about the results of my indigenous studies class, in which I got a much lower mark than I deserved, and it caught me off guard. As my last post stated at the end, I got a response from Carmen, and it wasn't good. She's not going to change my mark. !#&*$%!!

What I want to write Carmen and say would likely no end well. I would likely get academic suspension for the things I could say to her. I want to write her a scathing email, and make it public - and let her know that I'm sending it to everyone else in the cohort. .. I talked to my mentor teacher and a few of my cohortees, and they strongly advised me against doing so.

I'm going to write Carmen back, and it's going to be sweet, but I also need to make sure it's diplomatic and rational, while still undercutting her utter lack of pedagogical forethought on the assignment in question. I'm going to need to take a few days to Cool Off...

An Open Letter to Carmen, my Indigenous Studies Prof.

Hi Carmen,

How were the in-class responses marked? By completion or otherwise? If I got 15%, were they worth 5% each assuming you received 3 - or did I cumulatively lose 25% of their possible marks across the 4 I submitted (15/20)?

I emailed all four of my submissions rather than writing them by hand - I prefer to write this way. I'm wondering, if because I sent them always by email, that perhaps one got lost in transit or otherwise? I emailed you in-class responses on: January 18th (Response to Father), January 28th (Makah Whale Hunt), Feb 15th (60's scoop), and March 18 (Resistance).


Moreover, I'm greatly troubled by the mark I received for my final project. Having spoken to other students in the class, and having reviewed the assignment description in the course outline, I feel that consideration was not taken into my experience of making my project, and the effort, heart, and thought that went into it. The project description described the reflection project as "brief assignment (5-7 pages)". You also stated many times in the semester that it was our option to, rather than a paper, create an artistic project. Given the "highly experiential nature" of the course, I took the opportunity I had to create something other than a paper for the final project an rolled with it; I was going to, and did, create something that I would actually look back upon for years after the semester was over. Even though I was tremendously busy at the end of the semester, I spent over 30 hours in the final few weeks of the semester to make a piece of art I was, and am, truly proud of. I posted the project on Facebook and YouTube for other members of the class (my cohort) to see, and many couldn't believe I had put in so much effort on the one class project.

One of the early renaissance artists once described carving a sculpture as 'just taking away all the bits that aren't your sculpture'. I found this sentiment to be true also with my animation project for your class. In planning the project, I reflected on my experience through the semester - our course readings, discussions, circle meetings, and presentations. I had so many ideas and started brainstorming weeks ahead of any production began - I even started making some 3D models and planning for scenes in the animation that were never completed and didn't make the final cut. Making this piece of art was a true reflection, and clearly depicted my mood at the time of reflection and at the end of the semester, and the topics, and objects that stood out to me. One doesn't create a 3-minute-45 second 3D animation without taking a great deal of time to reflect and ruminate about all the possible topics and avenues that one can draw
upon to create it.

I come back to the assignment description: "brief assignment (5-7 pages)". I have talked to other people in the class, and the other section of the class now, and from what I have gathered, I was assigned the lowest mark out of all the people I have heard back from. Considering the amount of genuine effort and heart I put into this assignment, even given the description in the outline, I'm quite mortified to have my work deemed among the lowest in your classes.

When I normally write a paper, it takes me approximately 1 hour per page- all things considered. Therefore, a written reflection would have taken me no more than 5-9 hours. In fact, from those I spoke to and was around at the end of the semester, most didn't spend a great amount time on their reflections. I spent over *30 hours* on the assignment as submitted. While it was expressed that students would need to justify pieces of art created for the assignment should they choose to create one, I feel that I was given little clarity to what you expected - especially regarding length. If the total expected output was 5-7 pages for the project as a whole, and a student spends many more hours on a project, if you too also require a several-page justification of their art, doesn't that deem the art piece, and the time spend on it, negligible and nominal in value in terms of marking?

I submitted a 1-page justification; while it did not in any way do my project, or my experience creating it, justice, I feel that writing more would have been over-bearing and an unfair expectation considering the expectation for the entire assignment. If one was to create an artistic project, in the experiential nature of the course, and as a means of differentiated assessment, I believe their work ought to not be overshadowed (and more than doubled), by the requirement, too, to write a similar-in-length written justification of the piece of art.


For these reasons, I am requesting a re-evaluation of my reflection
assignment and my final grade in your class.

Sincerely,
Colin

UPDATE: I just got a response to this from Carmen. I'll post it tomorrow.

Not Since '94

Tonight the Canucks did something that they haven't done since this time in 1994: made the Western Conference Finals.

Good job, boys.

My New Internet Crush.

In principle, crushes are a really bad idea. They're comprised mostly of feelings, which you keep secret, that you know the other person doesn't share. This leads to a lot of false, imaginary narratives happening between you and your crush that don't exist in real life - only in your head. This can only lead to disastrous affects in your real-life interactions with the person, unless, by some small, almost-impossible miracle, the person you have a crush on also has a crush on you.

This almost never happens.

In my case, my new crush is over the internet, and I'll never meet her in all likeliness, so I'm taking complete liberty in my fantasies and false-narratives.

Meet Sexy Nerd Girl, a promising and up-and-coming YouTuber, who, despite being suggested on my YouTube homepage, only has a few thousand views per videos (I have two videos with 16,000+ and 44,000+ views), of which she has about 50. Her channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/sexynerdgirlcom

Self Reflection via Shit Grade.

A new and good friend of mine last summer gave me some valuable feedback about myself: often I reach too far to be accommodating. This is linked to having an inability to freely speak my mind. I'm an over-calibrator: I'm always gauging how my actions and words ought to be shaped in order to fit the situation I'm in or the people I'm with. Unfortunately, this also means I'm not a very 'fixed' or 'congruent' person: I change even myself to meet or match the expectations, or the norm, of the situation or others.

I'm often amazed by, and look up to, people who can just 'be themselves' no matter the situation. These people "cut the crap", as it were - they're focused so much on being who they always are (or, they're too busy being present AS who they are) that they couldn't even be bothered to "calibrate" to any situation they're in - in fact, they probably have far more 'blind spots' than people like me who are constantly observing and calibrating. These people are authentic, and people look up to them because they never break form; they never deviate from their identity - doing so would reveal a weak identity - one that's malleable to the will or persuasion of others or a situation. My mentor teacher of my current teaching practicum is one such person who 'cuts the crap', and it's one of the longest-lasting impressions and life-lessons I'll take away from this five weeks.

Early in my practicum the school's principal came into my class and had some bad news for my mentor teacher (something he was arranging for next year), that she didn't agree with. Being the person she is, she wasn't even going to take crap from her boss, and there was no flinching in her voice when she told him, the principal, 'what was what'. Assertiveness: there's a goal to aim for.

Why does all this come to mind? I just got back bad news about a mark I was assigned in a class from last semester. I genuinely believe I was handed the shitty end of the stick (in the form of a poorly decided upon mark) on a major term project mark, a project I was very proud of, yet I got likely the, or one of the, lowest marks in the class. More than in recent memory this situation has provided me with a 'signpost' to a part of me I rarely access - a firm, decided, and unbending version of me - one that firmly seeing this professor in the wrong - and I like it. I would even argue that the low grade she assigned me was worth this experience - I'm good at taking the best out of a bad situation - but I hardly think my prof who handed me this poor (and unsatisfactorily-determined) mark had my benefit or this priceless moment of self-realization in mind. (Ha!) ..

One Week.

Finished my 4th of 5 weeks of practicum.

Today I got some redemption with my 9/10 class: Yesterday I didn't do too well explaining the lesson's material, and I had a room full of confused students. I even had a student say "This isn't being explained well!".. OUCH. Today was a different story. I felt professional, and was determined. I didn't even need or make a lesson plan - and as a result I even got a human amount of sleep! .. I taught the crap out of my 2nd lesson on yesterday's class, and it was a complete success. The same student who had most vocally complained the day before actually approached me late in today's lesson and told me how much better he understood the material after today's lesson.

Happy Feelings :)

"I don't understand this!"

It's Cinco de Mayo, but it wasn't all boozing it up and celebrations. Today I probably had my most frustrating lesson - for my students.

I learned my lesson in 'small-chunking' information. My 9/10s started a new unit only this last Tuesday, and I"m throwing a lot of information at them. Today it reached its peak - I started getting a lot of "I don't understand this at all" , and even worse: "I don't think this is being explained very well." .. EESH, those are words you don't want to hear during your teaching practicum.

But, you know, (and I'm reminding myself of this from my own memory), all teachers - especially of complicated application-based subjects (like math) - hear those words a lot. It can be a dagger through the heart. One can't help but think: "I'm doing a bad job at my job", and it sucks.

It can be taken in any direction - the worst: becoming upset. Being upset is never pragmatic. Though, you wouldn't care when you're upset. No - students are not always going to understand the information you're teaching right away. Sometimes you will make mistakes like I did today by throwing too much new information out at the students at once. But that's OK. the high school schedule is flexible enough for teachers to go back and re-teach. Teachers do it all the time. Teaching is a learning experience for both the students and the teacher.

May The 4th Be With You.

.. worst blog post title EVER.


that is all.

Test, Unit, Lesson x2.

Monday I gave my 9/10 students their final test in the unit I taught them almost in its entirety from the beginning of my practicum. Today was the start of a new unit, and I'm lucky - it's a subject I know like the back of my hand. Not only because I already knew the material coming into my practicum, but I also taught it to my grade 11s in more detail a few weeks prior. For me, this means less time learning and lesson planning. Score.

Yesterday I also took the opportunity to teach the same lesson twice. Being the start of a brand new unit with both my group of 9/10s and my mentor teacher's group of 9/10s in another block, I volunteered to teacher her block before mine to gain the experience of teaching the exact same material twice in a row - for benefit of my own experience and reflection. How would I grow from one lesson to the next? Would I be more fluid in my second 'run' at the lesson? .. turns out, that's 50/50. t the start of my practicum weeks ago I taught the same class twice in a row - and the second class went all the better - I was more fluid, I explained things better, and got the class through the material faster. This time around: not so. I was less smooth the second time around, and found myself stumbling over my own words more. I was still faster, though. Interesting. I thought the twice-consecutive-lessons would be to my benefit not only for my own education, but also for my observation - I was being evaluated by my university observer for the second lesson. It didn't go as well as the first less, but I still got positive feedback. all is good =).

Election Day.

I voted, and as I walked to my polling location, I felt an odd sensation of patriotism and civic-duty wash over me. Surprising, since I barely pay attention to, and mostly despise, politics as a rule.

Voting is one of those things that brings community together. The more things people in a community have in common and do together, the more sense of community there is. Walking to my polling station (which is only 3 blocks from my house), lots of other people were walking to/from the same place with the same intentions - many with their voter cards visibly in-hand like me - it made me feel closer to them, and my neighbours (only a select few I even know the names of) in general.

As for who I voted for: I actually voted for the candidate who eventually won in my riding. Success! I've voted at least twice before, and neither time did the person I vote for become elected to office. I can't help but feel, in cases like that, that me voting was a complete waste of time. Then again, supposedly the candidate who I did vote for and won this time won by over a thousand votes - it wouldn't have mattered if I had voted or not anyways.

Sunday.

I'm about to embark on my 4th week of teaching highschool, and it's getting easier.

The big day - election day is tomorrow. The other day I got a call from a volunteer from the Liberal party of Canada, wondering if they could count on my vote for my local Liberal representative. At the time I had no idea who would get my vote: Liberal/NDP/Green. It was a toss-up. I'm getting closer to having my mind made up. It might come down to the time I'm sequestered in the ballot-cubicle. Tomorrow shall see.

Orgy of Green & "Post"

This post isn't about the political party. 'Orgy' and 'Elizabeth May' shouldn't ever been in the same thought... eesh ... but there, I think I just though it.

I Slept in today - beyond the likes of 11am. Nice. Went for a little drive just to get out of the house, and because I'm a habitual consumer, and because it was a gorgeous day. I got only to the end of my street before I realized it:The orgy of green that is late-April in my hometown is here: dandelions, plush vegetation, the whole bit - it's one of my favourite times of year, mostly because I used to come back here after a long winter at University in the far-far away. There was nothing better, then, than coming from a land of snow and brown grass to this 'orgy' of green.

A few blocks later, I contemplated another thought: When I write a blog entry, I "post" it. But - doesn't "post" mean 'AFTER'? This is where my lack of any real linguistic knowledge fails me. Calling the mail 'post' (eg: post-office) kind of makes sense: You write something, send it in the mail, and the receiver doesn't get it until LATER. eg: POST-when-you-wrote-or-sent-it. But then email came along, which turned things digital - and now it occurs to me - why not call it e-post? I actually like the term better than e-mail. But is it less accurate - IF: Post (after) and Post (mail) come from the same root, than email is less delayed, and therefore less 'post' as it's almost instantaneous. But now, full circle, we come to blog posting. The term is not so bad in itself, because I have to write then publish an entry before it can be read - but what about LIVE-posting, as in when someone posts in a stream live from an event? An oxymoron?

3/5, and settling in.

Made my first major mistake today in-practicum. I was late. Actually - I wasn't, I walked into the room about 30 seconds before the bell. Unfortunately, since the class at that time is a split one that I share with my mentor teacher, and we 'fight' over the front of the room, she had already begun her half of the class' lesson - I only needed about one minute to digitally distribute my students' quiz to them - but instead I (and they) had to wait 25 minutes. There went half my lesson.

Lesson learned: show up early. Easier said than done for a not-morning-person.

Honestly, though, if that's the biggest mistake I've made thus far things are going pretty darn well. And a bonus: I'm 3/5 done my practicum, and things are only getting easier. It didn't hurt that, of my two classes, one had almost entirely work periods this last week. Though somehow I still manage to procrastinate enough to limit myself less than 6 hours of sleep a night (and that's being generous).

The next few weeks should fly by. If only then time slowed down for my two weeks of long-overdue vacation.

The State of the Union (Jack)

So not too long ago our lovely Canadian federal government (you know, the one that supposedly runs the country), was found in contempt of parliament, and the government was broken up - time for yet another election. Yay. Said election is in four days: Monday

There are 5 Parties, and 5 leaders, in the national spotlight. I thought, here, I'd give my two cents on each. Let it be known that I'm still quite an undecided, and uneducated (about party politics) voter.

#1) Bloc Quebecois - Gilles Duceppe. I'm all for diversity - but this party, which the national TV/radio networks (generously) grant participation in national leader debates, doesn't even have a proper English version of their website. Even the conservative party does; so, apparently if you speak English, or any language other than Francais, the Bloc doesn't want your vote. ... ... Gilles started off his portion in the national party leaders debate by stating that Quebec shouldn't be a part of Canada. You know, maybe it's time that the National leaders debate only agree to include National Party Leaders. Be damned with invitation by representation in the House of Commons - this guy, and his party, isn't interested in the country - the Bloc is a separatist party. Someone should politely inform them that it's not 1994.

#2) Stephen Harper - Conservative Party. Let it be known that his party's website is the ugliest of all the parties. With that out of the way, I can't possibly vote for this party this election. Too many things have come out of the woodwork in the last 6 years about what the party has done, in terms of policy, funding, and inter-party politics that make me shake my head. I honestly try to take everything I hear with a grain of salt (whether the sources are far-right or far-left, or anywhere in between), but some of the things on the anti-Harper/anti-Conservative websites are really quite damming. Stephen Harper murdered a kitten with his bare hands? - Not quite, but he did fill his party's private room in the House of Commons entirely of large framed photographs of himself. Egomaniac?

#3) Michael Ignatieff ("Iggy") - Liberal Party. I honestly don't know a lot abut this guy - but what I've seen I've been pretty impressed with. Without a doubt the most qualified and educated candidate for Prime Minister (or, party leader with a hope of becoming Prime Minister) in this election. He seems honest, and a common theme in his speeches and answers during town hall meetings is his belief in democracy. That being said, he supposedly has the worst attendance record of any MP in the House - and that's a pretty damming statistic - one that I'd like to hear him justify. A lot of people also think he comes off "smug". That being said, his party has a good chance of getting my vote on Monday.

#4) Jack Layton - New Democratic Party. I have to say, this guy fills the role of angry/useless/self-serving oppositional party leader well. That being said, he's very, very dedicated to the country and working for the people. His party has the most diverse candidates, and he's rising every day in popularity. My God, recent polls even have him and the most favoured potential Prime Minister in this election. Never thought I'd see the day! .. That being said, I have a fairly legitimate concern that Jack's spending might get out of control. the NDP (both federally and provincially) knows how to spend money on Government programs - and that means either a larger national debt, or higher taxes. I have zero problem with higher taxes for corporations or the rich, but keep your hands off my 5% GST and my rebate cheques, Jack, and you might get my vote. Also of note: From what I've heard he's a pretty nice and approachable guy. A rather grungy-looking local amateur comedian I saw recently said that Jack happily shook his hand and took a photo with him at a local Starbucks. (whether he was telling the truth or not is undetermined).

#5) Elizabeth May - Green Party. This party really, really wants you to finally, finally elect them to a seat. With all due honesty, the green party has been given the shitty end of the stick over the past several elections - they've grown their brand (and funding) a lot - and their percentage of the popular vote has increasingly climbed - just, not enough in any one riding to actually have any of their MP Candidates elected. This time around they're really pushing for Elizabeth May herself to win her own riding. Money is no object for the first time in the party's history - and it seems like, at least within my social circle, May has a pretty darn good chance of winning her seat. My concern: She'll be a completely useless MP. As likely the only Green MP, what can she hope to accomplish? I see a lot of complaining and and angry arm-waving in her future as an MP- mostly surrounding how whoever's-government at the moment is completely ignoring the far-left/environmentalist demands surrounding the environment, which, quite honestly, would put a lot of government funding for human-related services in jeopardy. That being said, if she has the best chance of beating out the incumbent Conservative MP in her riding, she'll get my vote.

Going to Bed in the PM

Last night after the game I did something I hadn't done in a long, long time. I went to bed before midnight.

It's funny when you have a long running routine like that - you know, like sleep deprivation - little things you notice different when you finally break that routine. I remember back in the day, before even my first days at University, I had gotten into the habit of sleeping in until after or near noon; I wouldn't do anything productive regardless until the PM - but I remember the first day I broke that habit, I noticed something weird on my watch. --- It was the 'AM' symbol. I had literally, not for a long time at least, not seen that icon, because I hadn't put or relied on my watch before noon for so long.

Something happened to me last night - as I laid down to bed - I went to set my big, annoyingly-bright alarm to get up early the next morning. The little bell-shaped icon indicating that 'Alarm 1' was set had a new neighbour: the PM symbol, instead of the AM symbol, which is what I'd normally see when setting it before bed.

I did something risky today as well: The game last night, though I didn't play in it, was exhausting. After kicking friends out of the house to get lesson planning for the next day started and completed, I was zonked, and decided it would be better to get up early and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed while writing my lesson and exercise.

It was pretty risky and stupid - I not only had to figure out what I was going to teach that day, but it was also going to be for one of the 5 classes I was going to be supervised on. Oh, and I also had to create a 40-minute exercise for students to complete after my direct instruction. I gave myself about 2 hours to do all that - and it took me 2 hours and 15 minutes.

In the end it all went well - the supervisor liked my lesson, my presentation of it, and the exercise I designed. I also felt great - giving myself an extra 2 hours of consciousness in the morning helped my state for the rest of the day. Not so draggy.

Nucks

The big game tonight, and mission: successful. The 'Nucks are through to the next round. Thanks, Burrows. =)

That is all.

Javascript

Today I have to bite the bullet and learn javascript. Be forewarned, this post is going to be majorly nerdy.

It's amazing how much I'm learning during practicum - especially since I don't get to decide broadly what I'm going to be teaching, and what I just happen to be teaching during my practicum is a lot of programming: not my strong points.

It doesn't help, or, being more positive, it doesn't hurt that you need to know something really really well in order to teach it. In June I resume my summer managerial role, and part of it is to create an entirely new website - these last few weeks of heavy learning and teaching are going to vastly help.

I'd even suggest, that if you want to know something really well, try teaching it to someone. You'll either fail miserably, or gain much from the experience and questions you'll face when the person you're teaching it to tries to fully understand it themselves.

Bath.

Not 30 minutes ago I stepped out of my first bath in over a decade. I've bathed, mind you, but haven't had an actual bath since I was little - maybe once when I was in Jr. High School, but at that point my parents' avocado-green, size-small, 1970's bathtub didn't cut it anymore. Parents just finished a reno of the main bathroom, including a heated floor and a new, bigger tub, and I thought I'd give it a whirl. ... Pun intended.

Bath: highly recommended.

I'm a big guy, so, even with the larger tub I could've used more room, but it was calming, and felt nice. Last summer - last late-August to be precise, I used a hot tub for the first time in several years, and fell in love with it. When I have a career, hopefully in teaching, and I bite the bullet and sign a mortgage on my own place, I'm getting a hot tub. They're simply the most relaxing thing possible to do before bed. Having a bath is a similar but somewhat distant second; relaxing and feels great, but you lose the outdoor aspect, the ability to share the experience with somewhat else, it cools off after 30 minutes, and it's cramped, but still the best thing I've done for myself all week. (=

Grocery Cashiers & Shit Wages

I've been a cashier at two major, large grocery store chains: a large national one (I'll call this one 'A'), and a more geographically-specific one that prides itself on good service (I'll call this one 'B'). The common denominator between the two: shit wages.

I was at Wal-Mart today for the first time in several weeks. Again managed to find myself in a lineup with a particularly and painfully slow cashier. I wasn't the only one who noticed, either: the couple who soon joined the line behind me started grumbling at how slowly the cashier was working. The guy made a comment about how if they were at 'B', the cashiers would be doing a better job, because they made more.

I couldn't help but pipe up with my two cents (I've made it a habit of talking with people in my lineups at Wal-Mart - it's a decent and often entertaining way to pass the painfully-slow time): I let him know that, in fact, despite popular opinion about the local grocery store chain about how they treat/pay their employees, they paid the exact same at-or-near-minimum-wage that Wal-Mart, too, likely paid their employees. I told him I knew this because I had been at cashier at 'B'.

The guy seems stunned that I had piped in. What I had suggested to him was outside-of-his-box. He retorted: "But, the employees there are so much more helpful, polite, and efficient ... cashiers will work harder if they get a $12 minimum wage rather than an $8 minimum wage." .. ugh, he didn't seem to get it: 'B' DOESN'T pay their employees more than minimum wage to start; I was held at the same wage for a full 1000 hours before being eligible for even a mere 50-cent raise (though I quit well before that 1000 hours), and the maximum salary I could have earned there was $11.25/hour. In other words: a shit wage, and definitely the exact same shit-wage as the starting cashier-wage at big, evil Wal-Mart. The only reason cashiers act better at 'B' is because of the overall better morale and atmosphere of the place, and the cooperative, social relationship between the front-end staff. Money hardly had anything to do with their increased production. Low-paid workers will perform better if companies engage in and enact team-building and morale-boosting activities and policies, and if the employees act like friends - or, better yet, if they really are friends, which was the case with many of the cashiers at my location of 'B'.

After I finally went through checkout, whilst walking to my car and driving home, I had another thought: no, raising the minimum wage significantly wouldn't help the morale or the work-speed of the cashiers of any store one bit. If the minimum wage went up, sure, low paid workers would rejoice - but for how long? A Month? 3 Months? Six? Pretty soon minimum-wage workers would again resent their employers for paying them the minimum they are allowed to- something I've begrudged many-o-time about my employers - with the exception of my current one, which doesn't have me do any cashiering - thankfully, and pays me more than twice my wage at 'B'.

If there was any monetary scheme that would make an employee more happy with their wage, and as a result would make them feel more enticed naturally to work harder, it would be to pay an employee, let's say in a service job, more than the minimum or standard - and more than just nominally more. My line-mate i had a conversation with today seemed to think that raising the minimum wage from $8 to $12 would boost morale and therefore the speed of checkout lines. Nay, but keeping the minimum wage the same and the employer proactively raising their starting wages to $12/hour would likely yield better results, even though money isn't really the key here at all.

Oh, and I wouldn't go back to 'A' or 'B', even if they did raise their starting wage to $12, or even much more.

TV: The Fat Box

So busy in the last couple of weeks that I completely missed some of my regular shows. I admit it, I like some of the 'higher end' reality TV shows: Survivor, and The Biggest Loser, and missed both this week. Didn't even realize it either (what, with 2.5 - 6 hours of sleep per night), until I checked the PVR. God bless you, PVR.

Last summer I didn't have cable, nor any antenna signal, for the 3 months I lived out of the parents' house. Didn't miss TV all all - not one bit. Granted, having a limited amount of diversion-time in front of the old fat-box is a good thing - but only if it's a show you really like and follow. It's funny how new technology - digital cable, which allows you to quickly see what's on in text-menu form - has completely eliminated channel-flipping, and I would wager has actually cut time out of the average person's daily TV-watching-hours. Good thing. Also a good thing: PVR's, which allow us to no longer be a slave to TV's scheduling, and commercials. Then again, BitTorrent has those benefits too. =)

Now, if only more people would turn off Dr.Oz and go for a daily 1-hour walk instead (which would almost certainly result in more long and short-term health benefits).

Week 2: Done

Again a positive review of my teaching: this time from the teacher who's classes I'm teaching. Completely positive. Neither of my pro-teacher observers have much criticism to give forth, and it's frustrating. I don't think I'm that good - really. I'm not trying to be vain - I just don't see myself as a successful 'adult-acting' teacher. But the more I talk with my supervisor/supervising teachers, the more I realize that maybe I'm just generally way too hard on myself professionally, an too hard on myself personally. I see so many flaws in myself - especially in the way I come off to other people - and maybe that's the truth, or maybe it's completely wrong, but more to the point, more than either point, is that it's probably more than anything a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I think I'm less than I am - or, the more I think I'm crap (in any area in life) - the more likely it is I will be.

Some very over-arching life-lessons here. Thanks, practicum. 2/5 weeks = done. Long weekend. Sleeeeeeep.

Own Best and Worst Critic

Second review of my teaching practicum today. Again overwhelmingly positive.

Something I've learned is that, most of the time, I'm my own worst critic. I'm a perfectionist, and, as I've developed a pretty darn good 'observing ego' (the ability to objectively observe my own 'state', and the 'live' activity-level of my ego), I've become not only a perfectionist in things I do, but also in how I am.

This skill (if you can call it that) can come in very handy in learning a skill like teaching, because it lets me quickly see my own mistakes, internal and external, and find ways to fix them - sometimes even in real-time. Sometimes this can trip me up though, if I realize I'm making a mistake, or realize/recognize my own nervousness while I'm still in front of the class the nervousness might only get worse as a result, but generally it's a very useful tool.

My supervisor, sent by the university every week to watch and critique one of my classes, has had nothing so far to say as far as what I should do to improve - everything he's said has been overwhelmingly positive - and he's said that at this point, and from now on, our conversations will be as teacher-to-teacher discussing the nuances of the art of teaching. I had my post-class review today with him in a common staff room, and another student-teacher also on her 5-week practicum was in there at the same time, as well as another regular teacher. After my supervisor left, they both turned to me and exclaimed at how they'd never heard such a positive review! Good =)

But the constant self-critic I am, I even tried to get him to give me more, or any, areas to work on, or criticisms. I have this idea in my head that I can't be as good as he's eluding to, and that little self-doubting voice in my head won't believe that he's not holding back some areas where i most definitely work on. I suppose, to, that I kind of want my 'money's worth' from my practicum, and my supervised lessons too. I want to be the best, most fluid and most comfortable teacher I can be - but I've found that I'm my own best and worst critic - which will both help and deter me from becoming that.

I suppose there's both negatives and positives to that, as there is with anything, and I'm sure it has affected me in ways in life I can't possibly measure.


(I've missed a few days worth of blog entries, I'll back-date a few to catch up on the long weekend)

This Day in History.

It was this day in History that the Canucks dropped the ball. a 3-0 lead in the Quarter-finals against the Chicago BlackHawks, and they let the Hawks get on the board.

Since I'm writing this after the fact, I'll remind myself that the Nucks again dropped the ball two more times, allowing the Hawks to tie the series up 3-3 before finally winning the series in game 7 OT. Phew.

This is today's post

I admit it - I missed a few days. This is one of them.

I can only imagine that this missed post was due to a desire for human amount of sleep. Lesson planning 'til 4am tends to impede such leisure activities.

Oy.

Film What's Important.

Last night I walked out of a movie in a theater for the second time in my life: The Adjustment Bureau. (TAB, from now on)

Warning: this post contains movie spoilers - then again, I didn't see anything beyond the first hour or so.

What compelled me to walk out of the movie? For starters, I wasn't much in the mood for a second-movie-in-a-row (I had just watched 'Paul' 15 minutes earlier), and the movie was not only dis-interesting, the plot and dialogue became increasingly redundant after the first 40 minutes. If you don't know anything about the movie, to sum it up: Matt Damon (it's hard not to chuckle to myself after seeing Team America: World Police.. heh..) discovers that there's a group of men in trench coats who are watching, and supposedly controlling his thoughts and actions, ans keeping him 'steered' along the 'path' they have set out for him. The inciting incident:He meets the girl of his dreams (duh), and, of course, 'they' don't want them to be together. (no spoilers there, you'd get all that from the trailer).

Somewhat-Spoiler: These dudes in trench coats aren't really human (or are they?) - or, they have 'some' supernatural powers, which are negatively affected by water (Signs anyone?), and they apparently live a very long time. They keep records of everyone on the planet, and are constantly making plans for every person's life, and making 'adjustments' to peoples' 'paths' when they go astray. Oh, and they can also transform any door into a portal to any other door in the world. (this comes in handy in chase scenes).

I walked out not only because of my mood, and the fact that the movie was becoming preachy about the long-cliché plot about struggle about control over a protagonist's fate, and/or the nature of fate itself, but because the movie also wasn't shot very well.

Take cinematography and you'll learn certain conventions are used to tell a story visually: the rule of thirds, the 180-degree rule, rules for lighting and colour temperature, camera operation, cut-shots and pretty much everything you can imagine to do with a camera, lights, actors, and a film set.

But there's a overarching rule in narrative film: film what's important. If the most important thing in a part of a scene is emotions washing over a character, shoot a close-up of their face; it doesn't matter if the protagonist's belt matches his shoes if at that very moment he needs to make a difficult life-altering decision. If the scene's character enters or travels to a new destination, include a wide-shot to give the audience a better idea of where the person is, and how they fit into it. If someone picks up a small, important object off a table-top, and it's critical to the plot (see: the top in Inception), film a close-up of the object, and the character's hand reaching in to get it. It's principles like these that I even teach 9-year-olds when they're shooting short claymation movies in one of my camps, but apparently they're at a total loss to the director and/or cinematographer of TAB.

The whole idea that the men in trench coats having supernatural powers (being able to flick their hand to make a cup fall over across the room) wasn't clear, and the culprit was bad filming. In one scene, Matt Damon walks into and through his office building, only to completely miss that all the people he walks past are are completely still (frozen). But, again, the coverage was bad: If you're going to show that someone has been suspended in time, you'd better-well show a close-up of the person's inanimate face- to show lifelessness - but they didn't, and it wasn't clear. When the men in trench coats made a sudden move and something was caused to happen, they should have focused on the man's hand-action, and then cut to the effect on the distant object - but they didn't. UGH.

Maybe I'll watch it when later - when I can 'watch' it courtesy of TPB. Until then, not a big loss: I got free passes for the movie a few years ago for a birthday.

R.A.S.

At any given moment there are over 2 million 'bits' of information available to us in our surroundings for us to observe - visually, audibly, emotionally, socially, etc. Our brains, however, are only capable of taking in 134 bits/second, and most of the time it's the same 134 bits or so second-to-second, so, in essence, it's as if we're walking around with a paper bag over our heads with only a pea-sized hole to look out of; we're missing most of the information available to us, and as a result, what we or anybody can possibly know is incomplete.

I discovered this a couple of years ago, and it's something that's on my mind regularly - the R.A.S.: Reticular Activating System, a little part of the brain that acts like a filter for our senses so we don't get overloaded, and we can concentrate. Perhaps it's differences in this part that affects people with A.D.D. ... A while back I found the following video. The more you think about it, the more you realize how much the R.A.S. affects us in so many ways.

One-Fifth

This afternoon I finished the first one-fifth of my teaching practicum, and it's going pretty darn well.

Had my first of five official observations of one of my lessons done by my university-sent supervisor, and he had nothing but overwhelmingly positive comments about how I presented my lesson topics, my in-front-of-class presence, and my use of tactics: like wait time, and counting down from 3 to 1 before starting a lesson- something I didn't really even do consciously.

Despite having the shit kicked out of my sleep schedule because of the overwhelmingly large number of hours I spent late into the night planning my lessons, I'm tremendously encouraged. Turns out, managing a class of 28 grade 9/10's, even a group that size with 6 kids with ADD/ADHD (as is my case), is tough but manageable.

It's hard to believe there's only four more weeks of this before I get actual, tangible time off. I know that might sound presumptuous as I'm only one week in, but just in this first week, I've felt myself gain more confidence with every new day, and grow in my ability to conduct lessons, manage my classroom, as well as to not lose my train of thought or composure in front of my students.

Students generally like me, and as my supervisor told me this morning, they see me as a teacher with authority - something many student-teachers can falter on. Also, apparently I'm too hard on myself about my lessons. I tend to always find the nit-picky flaws in my presence or execution of a lesson. In other words, something I already knew: I'm a perfectionist. But the good thing is that, about teaching, I've gained the ability to live-critique, or live-observe myself most of the time: in real-time. There is a danger though that this consciousness of being able to 'observe myself' as I teach could turn into unhelpful or nervous self-consciousness, but thankfully I don't see that happening. Generally I'm much more comfortable in front of groups of young people than I am in front of groups of , or even one-on-one with, my peers.

Cold Feet.

This post isn't about being nervous. It's literally about cold feet.

Now, I have an awesome bed. Despite the 1"-thick memory foam topper I added to it in Sepember, and the annoying wrinkles the topper develops under my back after a few nights of sleep, my bed, complete with soft cotton sheets, is very, very comfortable. But my feet, and to a lesser extent the rest of my body, get surprisingly cold within a few minutes of settling in, making it frustratingly hard to fall asleep.

But I had a discovery last night.

I've always been a morning-shower type of guy. It just seems more right to spend your waking day at your cleanest, rather than waste that cleanliness on time spent being in bed. Plus, having a shower in the morning feels good.

On the other hand, I'm very much not a morning person, and I'll do just about anything for those extra 10 minutes of snoozing, on top of the usual 40 minutes of snoozing I do.

So there's a dilemma, and a few months ago a tried to switch it up (by switching to evening-showers), and it actually lasted a little while. School and late nights eventually got in the way, and I fell back into the morning-shower routine, especially as my hair got longer towards the end of the semester and I needed that shower to destroy bed-head.

Not-so-coincidentally, after I returned to my morning-shower routine, I started being cold at night again, but didn't make the connection. My realization last night: having a shower before you go to bed makes the comfort-factor of falling asleep increase about 10-fold. Having a shower before bed cleans you of sweat accumulated through the day, which I suppose is the primary culprit of being cold in bed, despite being cocooned under something like 6 blankets and a duvet. Being clean and freshly warm also makes the bed and sheets feel surprisingly softer.

Can you tell, thanks to my practicum-induced, sleep-deprived state, that I'm fantasizing about bed more than is perhaps normal, or sane?

Or, just be out of it.

Yesterday I alluded to, though lightly, some pretty heavy introspective self-development stuff.

Today I'm reminded of a post I wrote a month and one day ago, titled Blind Spots. Fuck going introspective; sometimes all you need is a little serious sleep deprivation: enough to make you so goal-focused that you filter out all the unnecessary noise - internal, and external - and get the shit done you need to get done.

Today was on the brink of one of those days: I was up 'til just after 5am last night learning and preparing lessons. I don't fall asleep easily either. This morning, despite having both my alarm clock and the alarm on my iPod Touch set to go off, neither were actually able to get out of bed. By some freak luck I woke up about 35 minutes later than I should have gotten up, with still just enough time to shave and get to my school with 5 minutes to spare before I had to start teaching. I was partially still I-should-still-be-in-bed loopy, and I could barely keep my eyes open - but maybe that wasn't a bad thing: I became very directed, and my morning lesson, albeit to 4 students, went pretty decently.

In other good news, I actually got this post off on time.

Mentor-Confidence

It's funny how, when you have someone looking up at you like a mentor, you're able to do your job better.

Running summer camps for several years, last year I got all the better starting at staff training in June, when I had a bunch of new-leaders-in-training, and students, looking up to me. My confidence went up, I became several-fold more extroverted and uninhibited, and felt great about the whole thing. The funny thing is, without those new instructors around, I went back down again; I wasn't the instructor I was when I had other newbie instructors watching me.

Maybe it's an ego thing - no, it is. But I'd also describe it as having 'situational confidence', through perceived self-value. When I feel like I have value in a situation, perhaps through a role, I feel better about myself, and everything just goes better. I obviously, then, for some reason feel I have more value when instructing other instructors, than when I just teach students/kids. Hrmmm...

I'm coming back into my own, though. Slowly. Today at practicum was better than yesterday, and I think it's going to continue to get better. Turns out I have to have mini-reviews every week by both my mentor teacher and my supervisor, who's coming in to observe two of my classes every week, starting tomorrow. One surprising, and slightly depressing thing: today my mentor teacher brought up my occasional stuttering. It's only infrequent, but I'm a little tiffed: at myself. I'd pretty much gotten rid of it as of a year or two ago, but it's returned. Damn.

Maybe the idea is not to rely on situational confidence brought on my seeing value in myself because of a role, but to see more value in myself just because.

First Day of Practicum

Really, Friday I taught two classes, but today was the first official day of practicum. Didn't go too badly either.

I have two very different groups: my Gr. 11 half-of-a-split-class only has 4 students, and teaching them is like talking to zombies. Doesn't help that 3/4 of them are ESL, and the other already knows the material. All Good kids though, can't complain. There's definitely a huge behavior difference between 9/10's, and 11/12's. Whoa. There's one who already knows the material really well: might talk to him, give a little assessment, and then decide whether or not to give him an independent study. The grade 9/10s are a different story altogether: they can't get enough of the spinny/rolly chairs, several have IEPs, several more (likely) have A.D.H.D.; they're all really good natured, though, even the ones that cause the most problems have good hearts - so I tend to go easy on them, but they tend to go a little crazy if given more than 4 minutes of independent time. Time to outline/establish some behavior management.

Fatties, Dorritos, and Text Messaging

So last week on American idol, at the beginning of the results show, Ryan Seacrest lamented to the TV audience. He said something to the effect: 'The competition is to tight this season, you, audience, and a *very, very* hard job deciding who must stay, and who must go'...

What a testament to our state of leisure! No, a hard job would be plowing an entire field manually so you and your family don't starve during the winter. Today, though, I suppose sitting on your couch with a bag or Dorritos, and being asked to text in a vote for a singing contestant, is asking a lot. Don't work too hard now, fatties. Myself included.

We have it good now, don't we? Gratitude is a powerful thing. My preference: not gratitude towards any god, but gratitude in and for life.

Lesson Planning

One thing that's transparent about teaching, until you're faced with it, is that fact that teachers do a lot of work behind the scenes planning their classes- more time than you might think: Thursday night I was up making my lesson plan and accompanying C++ mini-program until 2am. And that was only for one 65 minute lesson.

My goal for tomorrow is to get 3 days of lesson plans done for both of my classes. That's the goal: but there's more: I need to start thinking about assessment too - how I'm going to work things into my classes that are actually worth marks, and let me know, really, how well students are learning and keeping on top of what I'm teaching. The latter is called 'formative assessment' - which means, simply: assessment for the purpose of gauging student learning, to aid in future or continued teaching. I don't have any of that planned yet. GULP.

I also realized today that I forgot to talk to my mentor teacher what she expects me to teach in one of my two classes, the C++ one, starting Monday. I could make a pretty educated guess, but then again, my mentor teacher is pretty specific.

Spring: Off the Deep End.

Spring unofficially began today, with the fornication of bunnies and deer (not together, hopefully), and our first beach fire of the year. Driving around today, I must have seen over 10 deer, and about 3 or 4 white-tailed bunnies - one of which jumped out in front of me, then jumped out of the way just barely missing my car.

Other than the campfire and the resulting awesome smokey smell, today was my first (early) day of teaching highschool. Two Information Technology 9/10 classes in the afternoon; one of the two will be mine come Monday. I'll also be teaching a grade 11 class XHTML and CSS. For the last couple of days I'd been observing, I'd been a bit overwhelmed and shy in the class. Funny how jumping right into the deep end - eg: getting up in front of the class with no choice but to do my job - can immediately fix all that.

Of the two blocks she has of the 9/10 course, she gave me the least well behaved one. Joy. But it actually went well. My mentor teacher seemed to think my 9/10 class, the one I'll be adopting, would eat me alive. She even told me about one student who would probably need to be sent out to the hall to 'do the stairs' - but he never did. The 'kids' were fine - though not all exactly on-task. Can't really blame them: who wants to be inside programming C++ on the first sunny Friday afternoon of the semester? I sure didn't.. but it's my job, temporarily and unpaid (dammit), but still my job. Hell, I can't count the number of times I've spent an entire class this school year surfing the web or working on 3D instead of listening to the prof.

Luckily, as a highschool teacher, I can say "Monitors OFF!" :-)

Role.

I start teaching highschool tomorrow. The unit: C++ programming, with grade 9's and 10's. Oh boy.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now, relating to my practicum, is how to act. I find myself feeling very strongly that I need to behave in a way that classifies me as a 'teacher', rather than how I would normally behave. From what many sources have told me, it's better for a new teacher to act more stern than they think they need to at the beginning, in order to gain respect from students, and set a precedent for classroom behavior and conduct.

But I think it's messing me up. I'm retreating into my shell in an effort to act in a way that isn't normal for me. I suck at acting, and needing to act like a teacher and being able stand up to defiant grade 9/10/11/12's has made me think I need to abandon my normally fairly gentle/unthreatening/smiley/almost-subverviant behaviors of habit, and it's throwing me off.

I need to get acclimatized to this environment, and dealing with students in a way that says 'teacher' and not 'fun summer camp leader'.

Tomorrow will be a practice-quiz, Monday the exam ensues...

Practicum

Because two days off was far too long for this guy, I decided to start practicum early. And I still have an overdue assignment not handed in.

So the practicum officially begins Monday, but noone in their right mind would go in the morning-of without significant planning, or even without going in first. 3 days observation seems about right. I'm teaching two classes: programming 11 (which I'm starting an XHTML/CSS unit with), and IT 9/10 (which I'm teaching C++ programming). Even though I had been two the school before, and sat though two weeks of half-days with the teacher back in October, I was surprisingly nervous. My self-esteem has gone down in the past 6 months or so inexplicably, and more often I'm feeling the jitters - not exactly good timing for my teaching practicum.

It will improve, though. One thing about confidence is that it tends to go up when you realize you have value. Although ideally you'd recognize yourself as someone who inherently has value just for being, having situational value (as in the role of a teacher), and performing said role well, boosts one's situational confidence, and overall confidence temporarily.

... How does one make that permanent?

In other news, today was the first day of 2011 I drove with the window down. It's something I take notice of every year, and makes me feel good. Hopefully more blue skies are on the way.

Last day of ADHD-Camp

For the past 9 weeks Tuesdays afternoons haven't been the highlight of my week - after-school camp at a certain school, and the group, of only about 15, was just out of control, and made me doubt my own ability to do the job I'd been doing pretty decently for 5 years. The camp, consisting of entirely grade 3's, must have had about 5 or 6 kids with A.D.H.D.. They're easily spotted - they can't keep their attention on a single task for more than 30 seconds, and their almost comically inclined, as if they were a rag doll attached to strings, to spring upward and forward out of their chairs, as if those strings had been tugged on as soon as they saw something shiny across the room.

Simple put, even with 3 leaders, this camp was barely in control, and we didn't get nearly as much done with the group as we would have liked. not exactly a great warm-up to practicum, but at least it's over now. The group finished their last camp this afternoon, and I won't see that school again until at least a year from now. Thank God.

Fourth Day of the Fourth Month

It's April, and with it, a few days ago, came a new background image for my blog. Taken exactly two years ago at a beautiful secluded beach within driving distance, this photo is sadly the last edition to my 'Nalgene Art' collection - which, one day, will surely be continued.

When, you know, I have "free time" to use my DSLR.

I'm getting a bit depressed. This background photo was taken two years ago to the day - and it was a pretty decently sunny day. In fact, at this time of year two years ago it was already pretty well consistently t-shirt weather. Right now it's pouring with rain, and we've barely had more than a few hours of blue sky in any given week, let alone any temperatures above 10 degrees.

Boo-urns.

One More Nagging Little...

Remember yesterday how I said that, during a semester, even if you have a night (or a weekend) off to spend doing what-have-you, there's still an underlying, nagging voice in the back of your head and a weight on your shoulders, in the form of assignments, reminding you that you're not really free? Well, I still have it, and it's not going to be cured for 6 weeks. SIGH.

The week's not really off: 4 work shifts (yay money!), one last assignment due for the semester, 3 half-days of observation at my practicum school, a meeting with my practicum supervisor, and writing at least a week's worth of lesson plans for the two classes I'll be teaching. There is no end.

On the bright side, there is still contemplation of a long-overdue tropical vacation in late May. =)

Possibilities.

First day of real freedom from the semester, and I feel, as I always do at end-of-semester time, that the world is full of possibilities; The world is mine to do in it as I will!

.. aand then I sleep in 'til noon.

I can only imagine that this feeling is akin to the experience of getting out of prison: re-discovering freedom - freedom of time, and from responsibilities. The thing that's most weighting about school is that, during the semester, you're almost never really free. Even if you can spend a night out with your friends or a day at the beach or shopping or what-have-you, there's almost always that underlying, nagging voice in the back of your head and a weight on your shoulders of all the assignments you have due in the near future, and the resulting late-nighters-in-the-library you'll be spending.

Today, thankfully, that feeling was gone - sort of. Temporarily. Like this time last year, I don't get much of a break before madness starts again: 5-week practicum. After that, a sunny vacation is LONG overdue.

It's on days like this when thoughts like this come to mind: "Fuck it, I COULD just play Super Mario right now, couldn't I?!" ... that pretty much sums it up.

Laser Tag & Education

Went out with the cohortees to play laser tag, and then to the bar, to celebrate the end of our two semesters together as a group, and Jes' upcoming birthday.

It's been a wild ride - the post-degree education program. Not since my New Media program starting back in 2003 have I entered an inclusive, laid-out program with a group of like-focused individuals. This time was actually better than in 2003: mid-to-late-twenty-somethings are less cliquey than late-teen-early-twenty-somethings. By the second semester I found that by I could just walk up and join any group of my cohortees with immediate acceptance. It didn't matter who it was, it was like we were all friends.

Laser tag, too, was awesome. Hadn't done it since I was about 14, but not a lot has changed, LOL. The place hasn't been updated since likely it was first created, complete with outdated and underused coin-operated arcade games, checkerboard floors, black lights and spraypainted walls. OH, 1990's. Laser tag is ultimately a lot of fun, though - plus it's a good workout; we were all sweaty from running and ducking around after the first of two 15-minute matches. Definitely going to have to go back for my next birthday party. =)

A Note about Thumbs...the digital kind.

Fiasco at work over the last few days: shuffling around a bunch of laptops to meet the needs of various simultaneous computer camps, my coworker moved a bunch of kids' work to a USB thumb drive, and gave it to me to transfer to new/different laptops for kids in my camps to use.

The fiasco: I lost the USB drive, and my coworker didn't just copy the work from the original laptops, he cut and paste it all to this thumb drive, erasing the original work from the kids' original laptops, meaning the only copy, which was on the USB drive, was now lost.

So Wednesday's camp contained a bunch (8) of very confused and slightly upset kids: they weren't able to work on their projects, because of mostly my mistake.

I'd already done a considerable amount of searching for the damn thing, but today I totally scoured both my car and my bedroom even further: searched every cubic inch of the interior of my car (boy does it ever need a good cleaning!), and cleaned my room. The final result: the USB drive, which almost cost the boss $800 in camp refunds, was sitting under my dresser/pushed under my bed. I had actually already checked there before, but with all the debris, I'd missed it on first and second passes.

The benefit to me out of all of this: I now have a much cleaner room, and car. =)

When Beauty > Brains

I`m procrastinating right now from studying. Three final quizzes/exams tomorrow.

Before studying I thought I'd go out and get my compulsory study energy drinks. Shoes, jacket, keys, out the door, and UMMM, what is that CAR doing parked DIRECTLY, square-on in front of our driveway?!

We live at the very end of a cul-de-sac, facing right up the road at the pinnacle of the round-about; our driveway is off-center facing the island in the center of the round-about, and down the road. Being on a round-section of road makes parking complicated, but generally all of us who live on the end of the street get along, and have formed some silent agreement over the years of who parks where most of the time. But there have been, over the years, still plenty of odd occurrences and weird parking jobs directly in front of our house that leave us scratching our heads, wondering what hick-part-of-town/the world people learned to drive. We'd had people just stop and park in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET many-a-times, and even had one person park with all 4 wheels on our lawn, even though there's a very distinct curb, and the lawn is quite well kept (though mossy).

So, when I come out of my house tonight, and it's dark and rainy, and there's a long station-wagon parked in front of and completely blocking our wide driveway, yet there's absolutely nobody parked immediately in front of this car, where one could rightfully park (in front of our lawn), no, this person decided to park right there as if on-purposely to block me, I was in almosta comical disbelief, with a little bit of spite.

I didn't really react in anger, because anger is lose-lose. Though, I've been told, and have begun to believe myself, that I'm generally too passive of a person - I don't take stand for my own rights enough, or stay firm on my own beliefs and personal boundaries enough of the time. In this case, I merely reacted in disbelief, and shook my head, wondering how stupid and inconsiderate this person was.

I immediately knew what house it belonged to, too. There's a student house behind my neighbour's house that apparently doesn't have enough spots to house the cars of all the young-hippie-twenty-somethings' vehicles, so we often have one of their vehicles parked in front of our house, albeit properly (usually). So, I took the walk down the dark, wet driveway of this house, knocked on the door, and the person who answered, who knew immediately who I must be and what I must be knocking at the door about, reminded me immensely of someone I used to know.

.. A girl I dated, the bitter ex of a friend of mine, a total of once. I didn't even get a good look at the girl tonight - but I didn't need to. It was obviously one of 'those girls' who's gotten by in life with pretty much everyone liking them, because of their looks and charm. They need to be liked though, and it's sort of 'out of their reality' that people won't respond to them positively. They constantly, though, need to re-affirm the fact that everyone must like them, so they'll do things like touch you on your arm, as if to re-gain trust in apology if they've said or done something to possibly make you think less of them. The thing is, if these people do ever encounter someone that doesn't like them (and shows it), and they don't see value in the person, they'll be both bitter in the short-term, but will have no problem moving on and completely ignoring the person forever. That's the thing about very attractive girls who can rightly assume that most everyone will like them: most people will, and if someone doesn't, she will have no problem moving on, because someone else will always come along much sooner than later and will give them the ego-feeding attention they want. As a consequence, they never really have a reason/opportunity to challenge their own reality, or grow as people. If they ever get into a conflict, usually there will be drama, but they'll never take it upon themselves to resolve the conflict with the person - they'll make the other person chase them, because they have so many options, and it feeds their ego: both the ability/opportunity to have new people like them just for their looks, but also to have people they already know try to get their attention back.

I got a little off-topic, and a bit reminiscent/spiteful, could you tell? :P ... So when this girl answered, she apologized profusely, and repeatedly. I simply turned around and started up the driveway - she almost chased after me after putting her shoes on, constantly talking and apologizing. No dice, I've met you before. She briefly spouts out something about 'only meaning to come inside for 2 seconds' (even then, why wouldn't you park properly, twat!!??); she needs my attention, and my approval to confirm her reality that everyone will immediately like her. It's not going to happen. I haven't seen more than her silhouette, but from what I can gather, she's hot, but not going to get it: my attention.

I get into my car, and drive off. Good, Colin, good.

Dancing with the Classics

I'm having Deja-vu. It was sometime last school year: I was sitting in almost this exact spot in my family dining room, filled with stress, doing homework/studying. In the next room, my parents watching 'Dancing with the Stars', one of the worst shows in television for two reasons:

a) I can't stand Tom Bergeron's voice, and b) The fact that it's a dancing-competition show, where the point is to watch NOT the best dancers, who are only b-list celebrities trying to make a bigger name for themselves. Isn't the point of watching a fanfare-filled competition to watch the people best at something?

So here I was, in the Fall of 2009 - sitting, stressed, trying to do homework, and Tom Bergeron's nail-on-chalkboard voice was blaring from the next room. I had to escape. I plugged in headphones - no good, could still hear his self-parodying voice. Had to put something on that would help me concentrate.

It was then that I found Classical music via streaming web radio through iTunes, and loved it. I had never much liked Classical before, but I can only assume that, because it gave me so much value that night, that I came to like it. After the insaneness of my current load of homework was done, I downloaded a pile of Classical, and it now makes up the majority of the music on my iPod.

Mini Me

Today I met mini-me. Or, as my coworker jokingly referred to him, my "son".

The kid, a grade 3 I taught today, pretty much looks exactly like me at age 8. Friggin weird. Even other kids in the after-school camp commented that we looked so alike, which is odd for an eight-year-old to notice. Only later did my coworker admit to me that she too had thought the exact same thing weeks earlier when she first met the boy.

Smart kid. Good looking, too. (-;

Earth Hour

OK I admit it - 'Earth Hour' was last night, and I was at home on my plugged-in computer.

But honestly, how pragmatic (I've found myself using that word a lot lately. Thanks, philosophy class) is earth hour? Earth Hour is supposed to be about saving the planet - isn't it? If we all turn off our lights for an hour - we'll save a bunch of electricity, thereby lessening climate change - for that hour. It sounds stupid even now as I type it. There are 8760 hours in a typical year - excluding leap years. So, earth hour cuts down on 1/8760th of our expended electricity usage. .. .. hypothetically. That doesn't sound like a whole lot.

But then (just now) I went to earth hour's official website: earthhour.org. Turns out, earth hour isn't really about shutting off power at all. So, despite what one Facebook friend of mine thought who complained this morning in her status update about the fact that our city had left its public unnecessary lights on, it's really not about the electricity at all - it's about raising awareness of climate change.

But, as one fictional character on House M.D. put it: wouldn't building houses for habitat be a more useful activity and a better way of raising awareness/fighting breast cancer than walking with pink ribbons on? Why not kill two birds with one stone? If earth hour is about raising awareness of climate change, it's not doing a very good job - besides that 1/8760th of our year. Once that hour - or night - is up, we all go back to our same habits anyways. Also ironic: all of us probably heard of earth hour on some electronic device - or from someone who did, am I right?

Here's a better idea than earth-hour: why doesn't the government give us all who live in a big enough city/town to have a transit system an all-day, one-day pass for public transit? We could use it any day of the year, and it would get all of us out of the houses without our cars, it would support the local economy, and hell, we'd all get a little more exercise just walking to bus stops - not to mention it'd help a lot of lower-income people out too.

Just a thought.

Rigging

One thing about blogging is that one really only finds something to write about at the end of the day if they've let their mind wander, or they've experienced something intellectually stimulating and had time to mull it over. Today wasn't one of those days, though it was fairly productive on the hobby-front. Spent all day learning and trying out a new 3D character facial rigging technique, thanks to a very handy video tutorial series online. Here's the mostly-done result:


Not perfect, but better than any facial rig I've done before - by far. Work every minute of the 9+ hours it took me to learn / do this - not including the model itself, just the rigging of the face - using shape-keys driven by bones.

One Week.

One week left of classes as of today. This time next week = cohortee's birthday, last-class-bash, drunken laser tag.

In more good news, somehow I've actually managed to lose 11 pounds since late November. Sure, those are 11 of the 13 pounds I had put on since this time last year, but it's a step in the right direction. I have to thank my too-busy-to-eat school schedule. Actually, that's kind of not true - I've been busy, it's just that I've been doing my best to keep on track, minus the Doritos i crammed down my throat tonight. Made my own pizza again tonight though: low-carb crust and all.

"Tough Guise"

So we watched this video in Adolescent Psychology today: 'Tough Guise'. What a load of crap. I happen to be quite interested in psychology, and have enjoyed this course more than others of mine, but I find it remarkable that the prof pulls out her feminist-flag only right after we do her course evaluation.

The video:

If you've taken any university-level psych course, you'll have heard of the nature/nurture debate. Unfortunately, back when I took psych 1000, I wasn't at the same level of intellectual understanding nor had the same interest in the subject that I have now - not enough to really care about the lectures on this topic at the time. The nature/nurture debate is simply this: are we the way we are, as individuals and collectively, because of society and our upbringing, or because of evolution/genes? There isn't a consensus.

I'm a believer in Evolutionary Psychology, and an anti-feminist. I also believe in one of the forms of equality. Unfortunately, there have been some evolutionary psychologists who have said some pretty chauvinistic things, and as a result, feminists are at war with evolutionary psychology.

But evolutionary psychology just makes sense: men and women are quite physically different - and it's easy to see that men are taller/stronger than women because for 100's of thousands of years, cave-men hunted and performed tasks that required strength, while women worked in closer proximity to the home, and established more social tenancies with children and other women. Studies even show that newborn baby girls respond with much more brain activity to pictures of faces than infant, newborn baby boys. Young girls play with toys with faces - young boys, if given barbies, hit each other with them, or use them as digging tools. Heck, even apparently male vs female EYES are different. Apparently men are better at far distances, and women have better wide-angle vision, and are better at finding things in close proximity. Oh, and men are better spacially - we can better find our way through mazes, and draw maps better than women.

So feminist/nurturists, including my psych prof, argue that men perform better in mazes because we spend more of our childhood playing sports, outdoors, and playing spatially-aware video games. Bullshit, I say. I asked my prof in front of the class if they had been able to isolate the confounding variables enough to eliminate the difference in test subjects between boys and girls - they'd need to find girls who were into sports and video games (which shouldn't be that hard these days) just as much as the boys in the study, and find out who is better, all significant variables accounted for. She couldn't give me an answer, other than the fact that the boys in the study done had played more sports/video games.

I'm not trying to argue that men are 'better' than women - far from it. I'm jusst convinced that we ought to recognize that men and women are biologically different, and that this MUST have an effect on our psychology. Hell, even male birds and female girds act differently - and they don't have the possibility of being socially influenced - as far as I know, birds don't have the pre-frontal cortex to learn socially, like we do.

What's more disturbing is that feminists want to eliminate/transform masculinity. I can't help but relate it to my indigenous studies class: a dominant white culture totally destroyed aboriginal culture/language because they saw it as 'barbaric' - even until the early 1990's, aboriginal children were sent to Residential Schools where they were raped, made to perform sexual acts on priests, forbid to speak their language, and killed, and as a result aboriginal people have suffered more than most can imagine, and have had their culture/identities erased. I can't help but see that men might suffer the same fate - men, and masculinity, are portrayed in almost nothing but a negative light in media - either we're stupid or violent assholes. Think: Homer Simpson or Donald Trump.

Enough said.