Running summer camps for several years, last year I got all the better starting at staff training in June, when I had a bunch of new-leaders-in-training, and students, looking up to me. My confidence went up, I became several-fold more extroverted and uninhibited, and felt great about the whole thing. The funny thing is, without those new instructors around, I went back down again; I wasn't the instructor I was when I had other newbie instructors watching me.
Maybe it's an ego thing - no, it is. But I'd also describe it as having 'situational confidence', through perceived self-value. When I feel like I have value in a situation, perhaps through a role, I feel better about myself, and everything just goes better. I obviously, then, for some reason feel I have more value when instructing other instructors, than when I just teach students/kids. Hrmmm...
I'm coming back into my own, though. Slowly. Today at practicum was better than yesterday, and I think it's going to continue to get better. Turns out I have to have mini-reviews every week by both my mentor teacher and my supervisor, who's coming in to observe two of my classes every week, starting tomorrow. One surprising, and slightly depressing thing: today my mentor teacher brought up my occasional stuttering. It's only infrequent, but I'm a little tiffed: at myself. I'd pretty much gotten rid of it as of a year or two ago, but it's returned. Damn.
Maybe the idea is not to rely on situational confidence brought on my seeing value in myself because of a role, but to see more value in myself just because.
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