A new and good friend of mine last summer gave me some valuable feedback about myself: often I reach too far to be accommodating. This is linked to having an inability to freely speak my mind. I'm an over-calibrator: I'm always gauging how my actions and words ought to be shaped in order to fit the situation I'm in or the people I'm with. Unfortunately, this also means I'm not a very 'fixed' or 'congruent' person: I change even myself to meet or match the expectations, or the norm, of the situation or others.
I'm often amazed by, and look up to, people who can just 'be themselves' no matter the situation. These people "cut the crap", as it were - they're focused so much on being who they always are (or, they're too busy being present AS who they are) that they couldn't even be bothered to "calibrate" to any situation they're in - in fact, they probably have far more 'blind spots' than people like me who are constantly observing and calibrating. These people are authentic, and people look up to them because they never break form; they never deviate from their identity - doing so would reveal a weak identity - one that's malleable to the will or persuasion of others or a situation. My mentor teacher of my current teaching practicum is one such person who 'cuts the crap', and it's one of the longest-lasting impressions and life-lessons I'll take away from this five weeks.
Early in my practicum the school's principal came into my class and had some bad news for my mentor teacher (something he was arranging for next year), that she didn't agree with. Being the person she is, she wasn't even going to take crap from her boss, and there was no flinching in her voice when she told him, the principal, 'what was what'. Assertiveness: there's a goal to aim for.
Why does all this come to mind? I just got back bad news about a mark I was assigned in a class from last semester. I genuinely believe I was handed the shitty end of the stick (in the form of a poorly decided upon mark) on a major term project mark, a project I was very proud of, yet I got likely the, or one of the, lowest marks in the class. More than in recent memory this situation has provided me with a 'signpost' to a part of me I rarely access - a firm, decided, and unbending version of me - one that firmly seeing this professor in the wrong - and I like it. I would even argue that the low grade she assigned me was worth this experience - I'm good at taking the best out of a bad situation - but I hardly think my prof who handed me this poor (and unsatisfactorily-determined) mark had my benefit or this priceless moment of self-realization in mind. (Ha!) ..
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